IFPI Names Drake 2016’s Emperor of the World

Look out, world leaders: there’s a new bully on the block. IFPI, the music industry’s Orwellian “Big Brother,” has crowned Drake the top, or more accurately most consumed, artist of 2016. Worldwide. He’s just like Miss Universe. Exactly like Miss Universe.


For Context: IFPI, a non-profit organization, primarily provides “research and insight into patterns and methods of music consumption worldwide. This includes study of the recorded music market, developments in both licensed and unlicensed consumption, and the changing habits of music listeners.”
– A well-spoken IFPI employee

This isn’t news anymore, folks! He’s been on the path to world domination for years!! This award considers physical albums, digital sales and streaming data from all around the world. The guy has fans in countries that don’t even primarily speak English! Does he rap in other languages for these people? Does he change the words so they still rhyme in Japanese? Do the translated songs carry the same meaning, or should I not waste my money on Rosetta Stone?

The man broke ALL THE RECORDS last year: first to reach one billion streams on Apple Music, the most streams on Spotify reaching 8.7 billion by the end of the year, biggest power-couple breakup of the year, and most over-enthusiastic boyfriend of all time…


There are countless stars in the sky, but there’s only one that burns so hot and bright that it can effect everyone on our little ball. That, and also only one that’s not 4.367 light years away, but come on. Roll with it, jerk.

Drake was that star last year. Are you surprised? Don’t be. The guy deserves it. Only the greats are referred to by their first name alongside the likes of Michaelangelo, Donatello, and the rest of the ninja turtles.

Well, the greats and those that choose that as their stage name. Clever, Drake.

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